Listen to the quiet

The good news for me was that God was always there.

When I was most in need, I suddenly realized. My contribution was that I wouldn’t close up but make myself as vulnerable as it got. Hurt to an extent that would allow either this or to become bitter. If you can choose let me tell you that staying perceptible was the thing to do.

Inside, I knew about a strength by that time I had never put in words. Intuition. So these were my means.

Overexertion on the outside did a lot for me during these weeks. Going beyond what my body found acceptable, a lot of emotions came up that I would have hided in another situation.

But in the end this was not the solution. Solution came during the moments of almost total calmness that pervaded the outbursts of desperation and anger. So always listen to the quiet.

Reborn

So we were discussing GOD and what each one of us believes, and I said I am sure we are going to be reborn.

They were smiling, the family I got around the table. The men especially, a bit patronizing, being told in this family they are the head of it. None of them agreed.

And I told them if you are willing to step back and let me explain, I will tell you why I think this must be true.

So I started with déjà-vu’s. And that I think everybody have had them and they show you have been here before – even in exact the same situation …

And I went on with a phrase I am sure you will also use, „in the next life“. So everyone I know, I pointed out, is using this phrase, even those whose religion would deny that there is a next life. But you don’t mind.

So I said every person just knows better. This is our own knowledge, everything else we were just told.

Connected

I am on air, he said proudly

You would rather be listening instead, I suggested

Letting go

How this is to be accomplished, I wondered for many years. Just let go.

While your brain repeats the same sentences again and again and your heart cries the same pains.

„Just let go“

I realised now, I can do it by giving the thing to angels, asking them to take it home and take care of it.

Now they say, if it doesn’t come back it is better for you. And every other day I don’t believe that. But just for a second now. My inner self knows, it is true.

Being together

The most popular and intimate way of being together is sex. And as a meaning of pleasure, we are sure to experience it.

But then, when you are at it, you will see that there is a moment where you detach from your partner and start being all by yourself. And you are not alone. But you are all one.

And when pleasure peaks, you are not shouting his name, but what you say is

„Oh my GOD“.

And this is where you are.

My Trust

Gaining trust in GOD was hard work for me.

Overexertion, phyisical exhaustion and fatigue were the way there. I was like the butterfly I am watching now for several hours flying against the window of the wintergarden, again and again trying the same spot to escape.

Talking to it didn’t help. Trying to catch it to set it free didn’t help. Asking GOD to help didn’t help, you get the one reply, he won’t hear.

I couldn’t hear I could be helped for a very long time. And only overdoing work to an extend I could in fact not stand would lead me to that. Listening. Wait a moment. You don’t have to do something. You will get help.

The Sound of Silence

I love when I am at a place, and suddenly, the silence is so deep that you pause for a moment. Surprised.

It happened at certain places, where you could expect it, in overwhelming nature and when you are mostly alone. But today it happened at the edge of a field, when walking by.

And pausing, you hear what the silence says „You are blessed“.

I know GOD want’s the best for me

I know now, GOD wants the best for me.

I had to wait for a long time to get it. Instead of getting something I wanted, I got this sentence. Today. Like a sentence from heaven.

And it is more than words, today. Not only words, but a feeling.

I want your best, Annie, therefore you had to wait. You know now it made sense.

And I agree. And nod – and bow.

All alone

Bad news make you feel as if you are alone.

For a moment, all the people you know move into the background and there is a space where nothing is left.

This space opens up to real help. Not solace, nor sharing these bad news with others. But asking GOD, what this was for.

If your are lucky and stand the moment, this crisis might open up to a silence that tells you, everything is ok.

What really bothers me

So what really bothers me is the missing love.

I keep thinking and thinking and thinking … about those people who I thought have seen me, but would not say a word.

About a father or mother that did not offer affection I realized.

And those people on the street I am friendly to, but who would not answer this.

It took me long to realize that it’s the missing love that bothers me. Today I see the news and all I can see is missing love. Today I turn around and know they are all busy with other things.

Years ago, I was sure, something was wrong with me.